Sleepless nights

It’s going on 5 months without a full nights sleep and I have become exhausted from my nightly trial of choosing to either get up and pee and know I will be up for another hour and half to pee again, take my pill, and pray I can go back to sleep and do it again 2 hours later, or lay awake in pain, praying for another 30 minutes of rest, knowing the next time I wake it will be even worse.

I dread night now. I know the symptoms are bad enough during the day, but at night they hit like a Tonka truck vs. hot wheels in a sandbox. I dread laying down or moving the wrong way and hurting again, setting off a chain reaction that makes me want to scream and punch a pillow. I dread finally getting into a position where nothing hurts and having to pee for the 14th time or my stomach turning into acid and burning my throat and I’m forced to rearrange

I hate waking up every 2-3 hours and hurting, burning, aching, knowing the moment I glance at the clock that if I have reached 3 hours since i last looked at the clock I’ve made an accomplishment. I hate the night spasms that set my muscles on fire and the tremors that come when I am finally asleep. I hate that all the strange and terrible side effects come with insomnia and by 10am I feel like I’ve worked a double, ran a marathon, and given a gallon of blood all at once. I hate puking my guts up randomly, nausea running a perfectly good meal, and ending up on a bathroom floor I have to be hauled up from.

The only blessing from before was that my memory was so non-existent that I forgot any dream or nightmares almost instantaneously and didn’t remember when I woke up all night, just that i was tired and had made an insane number of “awake” tally’s. By month 3, my memory started to inch back, and by month 4 it was back in action; if only to trap in endless night terror loops or remind me that I woke up 45 minutes ago.

After 4.5 months of little to no sleep, dizziness is a common factor. Bright lights always hurt. Pillows are no longer soft and blankets don’t keep you warm. Black spots and odd thoughts are common ground and well traveled. If fitness points were counted every-time I changed positions at night, I would have top marks. At this point I have reached delirium. Now we sit and wait until sleep claims me for a few brief hours, then we begin again.