Yesterday I won, Today I lost

Sometimes, I have a hard time putting things into perspective. It tends to happen after a major life incident, after the death of someone you love, or a major break up. CRPS sure has done one hell of a job of it on me.

Yesterday I had a good day. I was up and active. I felt GOOD. Finally. I was out working, on my feet, walking, standing tall, mentally strong.

Today I lost that battle. All that good feeling was gone today. Today I felt like I was hit by a bus and it kept backing over me. Today I mentally lost the battle I won yesterday. My sadness and depression took the wheel and steered me the wrong direction. My frustrations with my limitations led me to cave into the pain and not accomplish what I wanted. It made me anxious. How do you explain to anyone what this is without sounding like you’re faking it because yesterday you seemed so great and suddenly an implosion? That sounds crazy right? But that’s me in a nut shell right now. I do hide it well, I always have. Sometimes I can push through the pain and just keep pushing but I pay for it later. Yesterday I kicked butt, I did my job, I did it well [thank you B-12 shot] and it felt good. I drove my car. I ordered a meal. I ate the meal. I talked to people. I did all the things that seem silly, but were a huge win for me. But Today I lost that battle.

I caved in and didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I was resistant to getting a cane “balance stick” for a while until I realized I needed it. It could help me succeed, and avoid people knocking me down. It also is a safety net. A way to protect myself and beat back the part of my psyche that says “you can’t go and do anything today”. Like hell I can’t, I have a cane, a battle stick, a sword in my fight. I don’t plan to use it forever but it does help, sometimes.

Yesterday I won, I beat back CRPS, Today I lost the battle, but Tomorrow and maybe the next day, I will beat it again.