Acceptance

Acceptance is kind of a strange thing. They say it’s a stage of grief. A part of understanding a loss of some kind. It’s great advice when dealing with CRPS , that you have to accept the diagnosis, but I don’t see it being a bad thing, it isn’t a death sentence if you don’t let it be. Some people have this theory that if you accept a diagnosis it means that you are giving in. I don’t.

See, the way I look at it is as a part of life. Just like graduating from middle to high school or going off to college. It changes things. You have to accept that its a different situation, a new routine, and a new life style. Nothing wrong with it, just a change. For me, part of accepting that CRPS has resurfaced is understanding that there will be a change. Exactly like the first time it happened. I learned that any bang, bump, injury, or fall would require me to immediately touch, move, and maneuver it to avoid a flair up. I accepted a change and dealt with it.

Today I had to accept that even though I really, really, REALLY wanted to go to a beer fest, the hour long drive in the car just to get there, plus the crowds, the noise, the small space, and the fact I over did it last week means I am not going. It’s upsetting. But here’s the key factor, it is OKAY. Yes I am disappointed, there was a ton of beer I was dying to try, I would have gotten to see friends and new faces, but I feel like crap. I even tried the makeup trick [when you feel like you just can’t go out, put on your makeup and then reassess, sometimes looking good can make you feel better too]. So I chose to stay home, rest, recuperate, and prepare myself for a busy week. That’s adaption.

So maybe instead of calling coming to terms with CRPS acceptance, I should consider it adaption. I am going to have to adapt and asses each new scenario. Not out of fear or as though I am so limited I can never do anything again, no. Rather, it is now critical for me to focus my extra time [what little I have where I am functional] on healing myself, and assessing needs versus wants. I need to go to work, to make sales, to be successful, and to do my job. But I want to go out and have fun. Right now that want is out of reach [dancing the night away in 4 inch heels is a pipe dream…] but it doesn’t mean it won’t come back. I just need to adapt how I deal with it.

Step one for me is getting the pain signals to turn off. But even before then, I am choosing to come off my last pain medicine and try the alternative route. I will probably have to make some sacrifices along the way [seeing a friend here or there, relaxing, sleeping well] but the end result is I will have come off of it to allow my new treatment, in T-minus 16 days, to hopefully work. I have to adapt to that. I have had to accept that I do need help sometimes. My space is a disaster [not just because I am busy and messy] because when I drop something, or knock it over, I can’t get it back up and I get tired and give up and quit. So I need to ADAPT on how to make improvements. Maybe that means using the short time I have today of feeling good to not go where I wanted, but go and do what is NEEDED.

I’m also stubborn as hell. I had an amazing conversation with a woman yesterday with CRPS who went through a lot of what I have gone through, and for her, unfortunately, it didn’t shove her CRPS back into the box. But her words of wisdom that will stay with me were “Accept that there are changes, but keep any normalcy you can for as long as you can, it will keep you going because this disease just wants to kill you”. [that’s a rough summary…] So I have accepted, just like I always have, that there will be limits, ups and downs, just like mental health. It won’t always if ever be understood by others what I am going through on a daily basis. Friends and family and casual encounters may see a smile and a bright look, but underneath is pain. And so I need to adapt. How can I push that pain aside but recognize my limits? How far can I go before I need to choose to ACCEPT I have hit my limit and need to stop? Yesterday my jaw locking [TMJ] was my signal I had done too much, and unfortunately, with CRPS the comorbidity of other conditions plays a huge role [Don’t even ask, I will go down that rabbit hole another day… it’s insane and not well researched but for all of us dealing with CRPS it’s a obvious as the sun provides light]. So somewhere inside me I need to learn to find that balance. But I also need to NEVER EVER ACCEPT DEFEAT. Just because I have chosen to accept that this disease has a risk of taking away everything I love and aspire for does NOT mean it will happen to me. And if it does? So what? I deal, I accept, I adapt. 3 legged dogs adapt, animals in the wild adapted and evolved. If they can do it, why can’t we all?

Stephen Hawking is probably one of the greatest examples ever. A brilliant man, trapped with unfortunate circumstances. ALS sucks…It’s a ticking time bomb. But despite that, he pushed to do every single thing he wanted to do, used his brilliance to enlighten us all on cosmology, energy, and so much more. So instead of just accepting and giving up, he accepted and adapted and went on to be one of the most brilliant minds ever.

I suppose the point I am getting at is simply one thing, acceptance of the circumstance is important, but it’s how you deal with and adapt to it that defines who you are and what you will be. It never means giving up, it just means changing how you view the world, how you navigate, and most of all, what you do with it.

Stay Strong My Friends.